Waiting for Prison

February 8th, 2005 - 1:00pm by Badger
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Once again, sorry it's taken so long to write, but it's tough to come up with things to say when nothing changes over the course of weeks. Probably the biggest thing to hope for on a daily basis in here is a brand new pair of socks off the laundry cart -- it's like Christmas when you get a pair! (I've gotten i in the 8 month's I've been here.) Amazing the small things that will make your day, huh?

I can understand why you haven't written -- I'm sure you have plenty to do and it's easy to procrastinate; especially when your not sure what to say. I'd also venture a guess that you're still pretty pissed at me (rightfully so), and probably not sure if you even want to write. I can't imagine how much I hurt you all the times I tried excluding you from my life so I could F@!* it up with as little intervention as possible. If I were in your shoes, I'm not sure how I would feel or what I would do about it, but I hope someday I can find a way to make you feel better and make up for what I did. Right now I don't know anything I can do but say I'm sorry -- and hope that eventually I can prove that to you. In the meantime, I understand if you don't want to right now. Even though it hurts, I realize thatt it's nothing compared to what I did to you and that I deserve a lot worse. I wish I could somehow make you believe that if I could take all the pain that I gave you and Mom and Kevin, and bring it back to myself, I would do so in a heartbeat.

Not much has changed since the last letter I wrote you. I just finished drawing the second picture I've sold -- $7, if the guy ever gets money on his books. It was a sunset beach scene from Mom and Dick's trip to Tahiti and it actually turned out pretty well. As soon as I get some more color pencils, I'm going to make a copy for Mom. I also had a couple of guys in here tell me that pictures like that will sell for $25-$50 in the joint -- so hopefully I'll be able to get extra cash by drawing for people in there. I also do a lot of New York Times crossword puzzles and exercising.

On the legal front, I'm still waiting for my voucher to go through so the Feds will pay for my psych eval. I'm pretty confident that I know right now what kind of disorders I'm dealing with (mainly social anxiety and borderline personality), but it will be nice to get a professional opinion and some advice on how to deal with these things without resorting to medication. Now that the Federal Sentencing Guidelines have been declared unconstitutional, the sentencing is left solely to the judges discretion -- so the psych eval should also hopefully save me a couple of years in that area.

Whatever happens, I can't wait 'til I get to prison. It's so boring in here, some days I go out of my mind. It's also dead time. There is not much in here that you can do to better yourself. In prison, you can learn a trade and once I save enough money to pay for them, I can take college correspondence courses. There is also a much more diverse group of people to hang out with. Hopefully it will only be three or four more months 'til I get there.

Mom told me that Joy made it to the second round of the INXS talent search. Wow! That's great! Tell her I said "Congratulations!! And that I'm rooting for her! :-)" Mom also sent your beer etiquette page off your website. That was hilarious! Kevin is going to try and use the software to inlarge the pictures from thumbnail size so he can print it out your website and mail it to me. Maybe if he is unsuccessful, you could print it out and mail it to me yourself. You don't have to write anything with it, but I sure would like to see the while site. I thoroughly enjoyed the last time you printed it out for me. I would definitely appreciate it, but if not -- I understand.

Well, that's about it. (Like I said, not much newsworthy stuff goes on in here!) If there's anything i can do to help make up for what I did, please let me know.