Man Choking Chicken Nearly Stricken
Okay I can't let this one go by without comment. Thanks to the ever-amassing catalog of internet goodies by BoingBoing, I present yet another case of Wisconsin darwinism.
Mr. Van Iveren [pictured here] interupted his neighbor's wank session by brandishing his own sword. And kicking down the door. Although his intentions were apparently chivalrous, I bet said neighbor was not pleased. Both with the brocken door and being caught (with tool in hand, I'm sure) getting jiggy with his Sado-maso-bondo film of the evening. I can only imagine how future chance hallway encounters will go.
James: "Howdy neighbor, sorry 'bout kicking yer door down and brandishing my 39 inch cavalry sword on yer ass."
Wanking Neighbor: "Fuck off. Crazy motherfucking dickwad."
James: "Well back to my castle to shine the ol' sword. Mom's making pancakes and they oughtta be done 'bout now. Mmmmm... pancakes."
In case you missed that, Jimmie is 39 and lives with his Mom. And plays with swords. I bet he's got a suit of armor ready to go if needed, too. Possibly a cape of some sort.
Here's an excerpt to get the facts for yourself:
Suddenly, according to Van Iveren, the distinct cries of a woman pleading for help could be heard coming from the apartment above him. He tried putting them out of his mind at first, but when they persisted, Van Iveren decided something had to be done.
"I don't have a telephone," he said. "I couldn't call the police."
The cries seemed to be coming from the apartment of a tenant he barely knew, but that, Van Iveren said, didn't matter.
"It had nothing to do with him," he said. "I didn't even know if he was there. It was the woman. I thought there was a woman."
The woman, according to a criminal complaint, was on a DVD being watched by the neighbor, who later played part of the movie back for police to point out what he figured Van Iveren heard downstairs.
To Van Iveren, the neighbor's film sounded like a rape in progress.
"So I grabbed the cavalry sword and ran upstairs," he said. "I intended to hold it behind my back and knock.
"But I froze and instead, what happened happened."
I wish I could take credit for the clever title of today's post, but alas - these clever monkeys were first. And damn - what's with Jimmie's beady eyes? Looks like they're ready to pop right out.