The End Is Extremely $#%&ing Nigh!

November 27th, 2006 - 3:36pm by Slye Fox
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Remember? From the graffiti in 28 Days Later?

Anyway - I was up late on a Sunday again and caught this week's apocalypse report by the Van Impe Duo. Have you seen this shit? It's the best entertainment to be had Sunday night. In my neck of the woods it's on after 11 on FOX.

The show starts with the 74 year old Rexella Van Impe reading some random news headline while the Bible-Master, Jack (now 75 with two steel knees), quotes scripture to indicate how said news clipping proves the End of Times. Amazingly, Ol' Jack's been predicting the End of the World for over 20 years now and still each week insists that we're to see the Horses ride on our way to work Monday morning.

There are a few key points to glean from this show. First - how does Rexella manage to look like she's 40 when she's really twice that age? (I mean besides the 1/4 inch layer of Revlon pasted to her face.) I'm guessing it may be a high-tech special effect silicon applique like they used for the orcs in Lord of the Rings. That would make sense, 'cause it's obvious that this is how Jack does his hair. Second - don't miss the orgasmic glee in which Rexella ooohs and aaahs over Jack's pronouncements. Good ol' Jack never fails to make her panties wet with his biblic conversions. And she's so blonde she makes Jessica Simpson look like a brain surgeon. Third - Jack's ability to recall bible verses is truly impressive. Called the "Walking Bible", he really has memorized over 14,000 verses.

The whole thing is as delightfully ridiculous as the Landover Baptist site. And the best part is, the un-evovled denizens of the hinter lands think this stuff is legit. I've no doubt that Jack and Rexella have a devout following of lemmings clutching their copies of the "Prophecy Bible" awaiting Christ's second coming. However, clearly Jack Van Impe Presents is the best religious satire since the Church Lady on SNL. Rexella's blonde antics provide plently of comic relief as we watch her gasp in the rapture of Jack's apocalypse-porn. And the fact that they've filled the air waves for two decades is proof enough that there are plenty of boobs out there funding the program through Jack's Apocalypse for Idiots series of books and movies.

Don't miss it next Sunday! And make sure to add your opinion in today's poll.